The Mechanical Boob

It is 2:46 am and I’m typing with one hand sitting in our kitchen attached to an electric breast pump. I’ve become accustomed to typing with one hand but not in the wee hours of the morning. The pump makes this particular hum-wee noise with each pull as I watch my beleaguered nipple get sucked down a plastic horn. Mechanical breastfeeding is not exactly comfortable.

I’ve just fed Addie from the other side and this is now a rare chance to pump. At Dr. Woo’s orders we have to give her one bottle a day otherwise she may one day not take it. Since her second week, Cap has been feeding her 3 ounces in the morning giving him a chance to further bond with her and me the opportunity to sleep an extra hour. However, we had neglected our regular bottle feedings with our trips to Palm Desert and to San Diego. When we saw Dr. Woo at Addie’s 2 month appointment, he reminded us of the importance of these daily bottles and darn it if he wasn’t spot on. The very next morning guess who didn’t have any interest. Dr. Woo knows his stuff! At Addie’s two week appointment he correctly predicted that “we’ll probably notice she’s become fussy in the evenings.” Had he been walking by our apartment and hearing her wail? I knew I’d like Dr. Woo the minute he visited us in the hospital because we both favored the same black leather Dansko clogs. Ah, a kindred spirit. He did recommend that I not drink alcohol while breast feeding. What does he know?!

Janne asked me if I loved breastfeeding. I said I did but that isn’t totally honest. I love the opportunity it brings me to have my little, precious Adelaide all to myself. She’s so peaceful while feeding and only I can see her little eyes looking up at me. I remember feeding her in the hospital which difficult since she was more interested in sleeping then eating. But I remember her little steel gray eyes looking up at me like she was a little gnome I’d found in the wood - so little and innocent with her dark lashes and puff of hair. Now she makes this funny face before she latches on where she scrunches up her eyes and then lunges at me full force as if pouncing on her prey.

I was surprised and am still overwhelmed by how often she eats and sometimes I feel trapped by this constant need. Perhaps I should feel empowered that I’m the only one that can comfort her in this way. Instead, I find that I sometimes feel like my only identity is that of Feeder especially when strangers and even family ask me every time she cries if she is hungry. This complete reliance on me, and me alone, for her sustenance and therefore her growth and development is daunting, overwhelming and, well, just plain frightening.

With daycare fast approaching, I need to start stockpiling breast milk so tonight’s supply will go into the freezer. I’ll pump again tomorrow morning when Cap gives her a bottle and that goes for her morning feeding on Friday. Thankfully, with Cap’s daily persistence she took her entire bottle yesterday. What a good girl!
Now, back to sleep.