How to care for a baby when you are sick

1. Make your spouse do everything. Alternative: If spouse is not available, rent one.
2. Bath frequently in Purell. Keep a travel size bottle clipped to your bathrobe for accessibility. Alternative 1: pump your milk to avoid contaminating baby. (please don't make me pump on a Saturday too!. Alternative 2: Wear a breastfeeding compatible hazmat suit
3. Live in a house or apartment with two bedrooms. Designate one the Clean Room, the other the Sick Room. Alternative: plan a coup d'etat on an unsuspecting neighbor with better digs as long as they have TiVo.
4. Cuddle with pet. You’ll miss snuggling with your baby so your pet will have to do. This technique is demonstrated here by Cap (i'm gonna be in big trouble when he wakes up)Alternative: If you don’t have your own pet, rent or borrow one from your local shelter.
5. Do not, under any circumstances, stand for what might be construed as criticism that you are not doing your “job.”
6. Repeat #1.